Dueling

Whats with everyone being so mad!?!? I feel like the entire nation is just getting angry about everything. I wonder if its just a overload of media opinion or if it is just some scared people afraid to be confronted.

I notice there are alot of people who are smart, or are good at pretending to be smart, that can speak their minds and purposely hurt individuals or groups to a point that can be very detrimental to their mind.

I am not on the side of brains in all of this, I'm more on the side of brawn which is why i want to suggest some sort of dueling process to level the playing field. If peopel can hurt me mentally because of all of their work at gaining inteolligence, I should be able to do the same to them using my brawn. It would be allowable for them to decline the duel but they would be forced to wear a sleeve or something that stated they pussed out in a duel against "person who called for a duel" and at what weapon they chose not to duel. On top of that, they would never be able to say anything about the duelee by penalty of fine up to a pre determined amount in court.

It would be beneficial to all because we could record these duels and keep them in the public record for viewing purposes.

What it boils down to is I am a liberal person with the belief that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and wheter they are right or wrong no one deserves to be persecuted over their beliefs. Not with out the opportunity of being punched in the face.

Impulse v. Instinct

Is there a difference between instinct and impulse?

Initially I thought no there is no difference because the way you can recognize them both is by looking at the feeling you receive at the instant you are doing something. But they are very different. The Impulse is led from instant gratification and pushes you to do what will be productive short term. There is no long term happiness with following impulsive decisions.

Instinct is way deeper than the impulse though they are very closely related. Instinct is very powerful and can ward off great danger. The problem with this is the short term thinking can’t always agree with the fast impulse. Understanding why is not the goal of your instinct. Its goal is to get you to feel the right decision. This happens through the effect of you stomach possibly getting butterflies or slight headache or just the lack of control of your body. Why is not your primary objective because it takes to long for you to understand?

The Goal of the impulse is to give you a “what to do” and “why you should do it.” Always easy to figure out. The instinct can give you a “what to do” but not a why. The problem of the instinct is it cant defend against the quick witted impulse. It may take hours or even days. This is why the instinct sends out these deeper signals because it can convince you body before it convinces your mind

Drinking diminishes the instinct which forces impulse to take over.

This explains everything I’ve done wrong in my life

My PhD

I have decided what I will study in my spare time whenever that comes around. For one I want to learn as much as possible about psychology. Second I want to learn how to paint and draw as best as possible.

They are interrelated in the sense that one will help the other. I shall explain...

The study of psychology will lead me to understand the insanity that lies in my own mind. The millions of things I don't understand ultimately teaching me the many options and avenues that are available to walk down.

The art would lead me to express these ideas that I would love to put down on paper and i just don't feel I could show with words.

I come up with what I think would be a great idea for a drawing but I do not have the skills to do it. For example as I was driving today I got the odd feeling liek I was just falling off of the face of the earth. When I got to my destination I saw on the wall a painting of the two hands where god is reaching to touch man. It is a great representation of what may people believe in. To that affect I feel I could to the same, but probably on a much smaller scale. Maybe 5 people would agree with it in the world, but thats enough for me just so I don't feel alone.

Just imagine a picture of the earth and it has a face made up of the rough terrain on the planet like mountains for eyes and a continent for a nose etc. and out of the left eyes is a a hue water fall with a person in it dangling away from the world. Or it could be more like a sad smiley face with the earths general make up on it with a big tear and a small person in it.

But I guess my current life question about everything is..., how can you hold on to everyone in you life and should you?

Had to do it

I was told I needed to write so forgive me if this is incoherent babble. A few truths I have found; 1) to win any argument change the subject to a slight tangent that you are indisputable correct about. 2) There is no female to male double standard 3)People don't actually work in the office

1) I have constant arguments with people in these times being that it is football season. And one thing I have learned is that it doesn't matter what you want to argue is the truth. The winner of the argument is the first one to change the subject.
As a cowboy fan I argue that Demarcus Ware is the fastest most effective linebacker in the league. I get that he isn't and when I have pointed out his stats I hear that Michael Strahan has the most sacks in history. Being a retired Linebacker the point is irrelevant but I am still the one to lose the argument.

2) I keep hearing about this female double standard to being a whore. There is no double standard. Anyone who has sex with a lot of people (which is a relative remark to all) is a whore. Men are just able to be ok with it more. I don't care if any of my friends are whores. I my friend who have had sex with 100 people are just as much as my female friends who have done the same. That still does not at all change if you are a nice person.

I am way more judgmental of the people that a person has slept with as opposed to the amount. If you sleep with a drunk fat smelly guy or girl you kinda disgust me no matter what your sex is. The way the double standard has arrived is in women. Men have not created this. Women HATE women who get a lot of sex and men love to either hang out with them or just have them as a last resort.

The only female whores I hate are the ones who only get with guys because of there financial or social status. But I love all of the women who will disregard that and still sleep with you. And I think that is how the American male population feels in general.

3) I am used to doing installs and being a bottom of the line worker bee. Last Friday my bosses bosses were out so I looked at NFL stats for the first 45 minutes of work. Then I did some work for a couple hours. After that I went to lunch for about 2 hours where I ate and drank a few beers with other workers. Then I came bake to work buzzed worked for a little bit and continued to play football in the warehouse.

I'm not usually working in the office because I have installation to do and its a lot of work. But as soon as possible I plan on going for that really hard office job that everyone tells me about (that was sarcasm about it being hard)

Thats my semi-drunken rant...

Compassion

Compassion is the greatest emotion any human can feel. It is "the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it." Everyone has it in some point of their life. Some for longer than others. I don't know how people lose their way but they do. As I get older I feel more and more people are losing this quality, including myself. Most people with any sort of conscience can feel the suffering of other people but how often do we do something about it. If everyone could live with the full definition of compassion the world would become a much better place.

I had to do it

A lot has happened over the past few months. I grew a new ultra hate for my current job, I have a girlfriend, and more than ever emotions have been running more rampant than usual. but as usual I have been seeing things I dont understand. More recently I have grown the urge to write about them.

Crazy thing number 1

I stayed on a plantation....

yes I did. And it was the plantation that my girlfriends mom lives on. how fuckin weird is that. If you arent black you may not already know that I freaked the fuck out. Yes I did. It was crazy. A plantation!!! I didn't know that they existed still until recently. I was hoping they were all burned and became memorials. But obviosly that would not be practical because the US would lose millions of acres of farmland which is understandable. But fuck that shit was scary. plus I was fucking wasted.

Then thee was a door that all of a sudden moved!!!! because it wast fuckin there..., but then it wasnt. Anyway it was scary and all i had was alcohol. I dont think that shit will normally make you hallucinate.


Crazy thing number 2

I had a meeting with my employers...

I am a entry level 1 (helper installer)...

from the sounds of things I am supposed to help some one better than me with their job. Yet i do my job alone or with someone with the same title as me who I have more experience than and because I have this college education from a private school which everyone told me would be helpful I ear an extra 75 cents an hour after only 2 months when it would take a High School education person 6 months to have obtained that. WOW I'm just great. It was also great teaching people who were hired as my boss how to do their job. That was fun.


Crazy thing number 3

I was pulled over by a cop....

It was seemingly a perfectly normal stop. I was pulled over doing 35 in a 25. But there were a lot of odd circumstances. I was driving down a one lane road. between 2 other drivers on a one lane road ( one in front one in back). I was going down a hill. and this his is steep enough that if you were on any bicycle without pedaling you'd be traveling at about 35 mph. So as a black male..., I was afraid. I was told that it was a Friday night and many people were being pulled over for drunk driving. I was in the midst of training for a triathlon so i hadn't drank in weeks. I had my entire car searched because of the possibility of drunk driving and for the possibility of weapons which i was asked were under my possession several times. My car was searched by 2 cops.

I was afraid id be killed for no reason to be quite honest so i let the search my car. plus I was too broke to pay a ticket. It was just a weird mishap.





Anyway Im drunk now... till next time



I hope I'll write more

Learn how to have conversations

I really need to get a grip on greetings and small conversation. Every time I interact with a new person I get nervous and always fuck it up so with in the first few seconds I speak they think I'm an idiot. I was in Toys r us buying a guitar for Rock Band as I am walking to the checkout line the cashier says hi, and my immediate response to that was "fine" There was no "how are you" or anything like that. I'm just jumping threw the conversation and destroying the normal order of events.


I need some sort of opening conversation class or something

A conversation with the neighbor

Sam: I have these birds crawling in my vents, and they just keep pissing me off. One day I saw them fighting, I saw one just pecking the other to death, but they make so much noise they just kept pissing me off.

Me: you should have just killed the one getting fucked up

Sam: I couldn't because i didn't know the situation. what if the one bird just came home to his wife cheating. That would be fucked up if he had to die for no reason

I LOVE MY NEIGHBORS

High Fashion vs. Pornography

High Fashion is to normal clothes as Pornography is to normal sex

I cam to think of this over the past couple of days while watching Americas next top model and Project Runway over the past few days with my roommates. (my story is i watch these shows only for the company). But I notice no one in their right mind would ever wear these outfits that they wear, but these shows are so popular. Why is that?


People watch these shows to get ideas of what plausible outfit they can get from the chaotic clothing being shown. As I do with almost everything I related this to porn.

Lets face it. I like to watch porn. Its cool to even just have it on in the background sometimes. But its not all about just doing what the hardcore sex scene is showing you you wanna just pick ideas out. I'm not all about doing a hooker in the back alley, but I would like to do a new girlfriend in the backyard.

So the next time your girlfriend makes you watch one of these shows tell her to watch porn with you for a little be so you can delve into your creative side.

Effort

Everyday always seems to be a day where I worked too hard, or I didn't work hard enough. Is anyone able to find the balance?

There is nothing wrong with working hard, but working too hard makes you never want to work again and can break your spirit. We all have our limits, but like every character on the show "MADE" has claimed to be, I want to be the best. But how do you find your limit before you lose you will and just want to quit. No coach to push you but yourself. Nothing to help you fight the pain.

I'm a glutton for punishment searching for success

If you cant fly run
If you cant run walk
If you cant walk crawl
but by all means keep moving
-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

....157 days till race day

Dear FCC...

You go around saying you are protecting the US from all of the horrible things out there but you don't. You lie. I do not feel protected.

I almost fuckin died today while driving to work, and guess whose fault it is..., yours. I'm on my way to work minding my on business, driving at a decent speed in an average day of traffic, and the music on the radio fades down just a bit then I hear a blaring HONK on the out of nowhere I swerved a bit out of the sheer fear in my heart of being destroyed by an oncoming truck. That was completely uncalled for and needs to never happen again.

So pretty much you can't say fuck on the radio but loud random noises indicating sudden death such as honking, sirens, or people screaming can be blared on the radio at any time. That is not right at all. You know 90% of radios listeners are driving, at least don't let it happen during rush hour.

I don't blame people for swerving wildly while driving anymore, I just think to myself "Damn that FCC." This is exactly why nobody wants to listen to the radio anymore.

Fix that shit.

Attn: all hiring managers

I hate you all. Seriously I do. Its not only because you bastards wont give me a job, but all of you are pretty much douche bag liars."We'll let you know by Friday whats going on." Fucking 2 weeks later I'm waiting around beating off 5 times a day so I can sleep more to pass the time.

I mean come on, did all you fuckers forget what its like to not have a job, or did you get jobs and everything handed to you your whole life. Or maybe you just worked hard and were given good advice since you were 2 years old and knew exactly how to get everything you wanted.

In any case I didn't have that shit. I was told "go to college so you can get a great job." now I'm stuck working in a bike shop making slightly more than minimum wage. I love my job, but student loans is what fucks up the whole ordeal. So basically I got fucked by college.

If i just worked for 4 years instead making a relatively low salary I could have invested the money and probably overall made more more money that i will given the principal + interest i will be paying on loans.

I would have been perfectly happy making a decent wage doing some type of hard labor like oil rigging or something with high physical toil, too bad I cant afford it now.

I am probably gonna complain here all the time until I am not struggling financially.

Life.... while drunk

So today I hae been doing some thinking, and I hae figured out that I essenially do not know who I am. I realize this may be said or thought by many people but as many times as I have come to this situatiation, I think this time may be different.

What am I looking to get out of life? How can I just turn it into video game principles and "win" before I run out of time?

I have lived in a series of If then statements saying "If this happens, then I will do this" but i am finding I should just let that whole idea go, but it is hard to let that go. making decisions and being proactive on certain issues will make me at fault for any further mistakes. I will not be able to say, "well I only did this because of this," i will be in complete control wich will be very scary.

My paranoia is starting to get the best of me i guess. Or am I just giving up and not being willing to think things through and fight for the perfect ending I am looking for? Its so hard to know when to give up or to keep on fighting.

Soo many questions....

Absinthe

Okay, SO I guess I am a little bit late on this but apparently absinthe is legal. I have waited all my life to try this stuff, and now I have the chance. Although I am a bit scared. The New York Times says "The word comes from the Greek apsinthion, which means undrinkable." Now thats all fine and dandy but what kind of undrinkable do they mean. Is it destroy my liver and kidneys undrinkable? Or is it vomit uncontrollably undrinkable? I'm guessing a bit of both but either way I gotta try it. The US would never let a substance that is volatile to a persons health ever hit the market... unless it makes a substantial amount of money.

I wonder if its better than tequila???

We'll see.

Carpe Diem

Today is the day I move out. I always thought this would be the day that I was fully prepared for but sadly it is not. I'm taking a huge risk by going to an area I've never lived in and looking for a job since I'm currently unemployed.

Though I will admit I am way less prepared than I always hoped. I am extremely excited. I have so many things going for me. The most important being the support of my friends and family.

"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time" -Andre Gide

No matter how long it takes or how hard things get I will not fail

Long Distance

There are two very important things that a long distance relationship should teach you:

The first is that you can live without that person and do great on your own. The second is that you would never want to.

A love hate relationship

Hate is defined as to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest. The word can explain how people feel toward specific issues in life whether they be people, political, or racial issues or pretty much anything.

I have felt this way about many a few issues or types of people in my life but I have just come to the realization of why. No matter who or what you hate it all has a direct correlation to how much you understand what you hate. It may be a justified hate, but it still has a lack of understanding with in it. By justified hates I mean people who are directly or indirectly hurting you or someone or something you care about. i.e. murderers, rapists, thieves

When bad things happen and you learn to hate someone or something you tend to think "I don't know how or why this would happen". Its the lack of understanding that leads to the emotion of hate. For this reason, whether it be extremely hard or not, who or what you hate is completely under your control.

This theory of mine has lead me to believe that the feeling of love which would be the polar opposite of hate is the result of complete understanding. I find that I love the people who I can understand the most and who can understand me.

Since I am a left brain type of person I like to break everything into some sort of equation. Is the level of understanding coupled with something else (maybe comfort?) equal to the Level of Love/Hate?

The Land That I Love

I hear people complain or rejoice depending on what side of the coin they are on about this whole affirmative action thing we have in America, but quite frankly I don't think its done much of anything. I mean yeah it gives people some minorities jobs but they aren't taking them away from white people. I haven't noticed a surge in minority accountants or VP's or any important positions. What I see is more minorities in the mail room or janitorial services or other crap jobs.

So I don't think this is really giving a "fair" playing field as the government has said was their goal. If anything I think this affirmative action should scare the crap out of illegal immigrants. Now that business owners have to have a certain number of minorities to fill EOE requirements, illegal immigrants will have to get fired because they can't be on the books.

Now these people have to find worse jobs that nobody else wants to do. Some of these other countries must be unimaginably horrible for people to sneak over here, to be unwanted and taunted by most of the nation, work 16 hour days (20 on holidays) making $2.50 an hour to go home to their 1 bedroom apartment in the basement by the boiler room where they have about 10 other family members living.

As I am with any large group that I am a part of, there are things that this country does that I am not proud of, but I'm glad I'm American.

Steps in the Elevator

I hate to start off like a modern cliche of a Jerry Seinfeld joke but, whats the deal with people and elevators. the whole mix just doesn't work, one person on an elevator is fine, but when there are multiple people it becomes utter chaos. This is a 4 step process that I am guessing unless you suffer from paranoia like me you wouldn't notice this.

The first step is pressing the elevator button. This may seem simple until you get close to an elevator button and there is a person also going toward the elevator button from the opposite end of the hall. If you are closer you think "I plan on going up, but should i press down in case the other person is going down, i don't want to seem like a dick for not simply helping someone out by making them walk an extra distance just to press the up button." But then you think "If i do press the up button for them and they aren't going up their will more than likely be a crowd of people who get to this floor and no one will get off when the doors open. The will just peer at me thinking "that asshole just wasted my time by making me stop on this floor for no reason." And then you must weigh your options. Do they have a coat on cause if they do they are probably going outside which is down too, Do the look hungry cause they may just be going to the cafeteria. So all that crap just leads to the initial stress.

The second part is getting on the elevator. Most people go for the normal rules ladies first, then the person closest to the elevator gets on in distance order. If you are gonna have a tie you let someone go first to be polite and usually the first person to say go ahead or make that gesture wins the courtesy game. The thing that makes this step the worst part is some people don't follow the unwritten rules. They say you go ahead mean while you are 30 feet away and they are standing right by the elevator and you get their just in time to miss the elevator and have 5 minutes of awkward silence until the next one comes along.

Then being in the elevator is step number three. For this part you must realize that 99% of the time whatever floor you are going to, everyone else in the elevator is going to get off before you and slow you down worse than the bus running local. And don't think about anything else besides being on the elevator. There is to much at stake. You make a mistake and start thinking about what's for dinner or the bastard who made you miss the first elevator and you are going to miss your stop. IF YOU MISS YOUR STOP ACT CASUAL. Don't just try to hit the button really fast hoping the doors will open back up. people will tend to think you are crazy.

The fourth and final part is getting off. Most of the time it is simple like the second step. But beware of idiots. People don't seem to realize that they're are other people sometimes trying to get to the floor that they are in fact leaving. not everyone can afford to work 4 hours a day and leave at 1. So what they do is stand right in the middle of the doors on their side and rush in to get on the elevator with no regard of who is getting off. And these people may flash a smile to say "sorry I didn't see you trying to get off the elevator" but what they are really saying is "ME FIRST" and the smile is just so they don't push you into going postal. When this happens there is nothing left but to trip and hit as many buttons as possible and leave flashing the same crap smile.

That was the 4 step process of riding the elevator. The next time you see a person twitching in the elevator because of their nervousness and ambiguity, print this out for them and let them know they are not alone.

American Gladiators

Now while the concept of this show is amazing because it allows the regular guy who didn't get their grown spurt until after high school football to still compete in a "sport" and get paid for it. I pretty much need a chance at this show because I am the guy I just explained. Hopefully this writers strike holds out so people don't realize that the show consists of about 20 minutes of filler, 20 some odd minutes of commercials, and only about 15- 20 minutes of actual competition.

What did the gladiators do before this job, and for that matter what will they do after the show? What kind of job do you get after putting "I was an American Gladiator" on your resume? You are pretty much guaranteed to lose your real name for the rest of your life. If you met Nitro or Turbo you aren't gonna be able to call them John or Chris or whatever their names are. "Hey Nitro could you collate these papers for the 2:30 meeting"

If this show last I'm gonna be a kick ass contestant because I get to do two of my favorite things. Hurt people and get hurt. It makes you feel alive to to get hurt and dominant to hurt them.

I don't think i would ever want to go against that guy Wolf though because he scares me. He really looks like he could be one of those guys in the book Deliverance that says "squeal like a piggy."