Steps in the Elevator

I hate to start off like a modern cliche of a Jerry Seinfeld joke but, whats the deal with people and elevators. the whole mix just doesn't work, one person on an elevator is fine, but when there are multiple people it becomes utter chaos. This is a 4 step process that I am guessing unless you suffer from paranoia like me you wouldn't notice this.

The first step is pressing the elevator button. This may seem simple until you get close to an elevator button and there is a person also going toward the elevator button from the opposite end of the hall. If you are closer you think "I plan on going up, but should i press down in case the other person is going down, i don't want to seem like a dick for not simply helping someone out by making them walk an extra distance just to press the up button." But then you think "If i do press the up button for them and they aren't going up their will more than likely be a crowd of people who get to this floor and no one will get off when the doors open. The will just peer at me thinking "that asshole just wasted my time by making me stop on this floor for no reason." And then you must weigh your options. Do they have a coat on cause if they do they are probably going outside which is down too, Do the look hungry cause they may just be going to the cafeteria. So all that crap just leads to the initial stress.

The second part is getting on the elevator. Most people go for the normal rules ladies first, then the person closest to the elevator gets on in distance order. If you are gonna have a tie you let someone go first to be polite and usually the first person to say go ahead or make that gesture wins the courtesy game. The thing that makes this step the worst part is some people don't follow the unwritten rules. They say you go ahead mean while you are 30 feet away and they are standing right by the elevator and you get their just in time to miss the elevator and have 5 minutes of awkward silence until the next one comes along.

Then being in the elevator is step number three. For this part you must realize that 99% of the time whatever floor you are going to, everyone else in the elevator is going to get off before you and slow you down worse than the bus running local. And don't think about anything else besides being on the elevator. There is to much at stake. You make a mistake and start thinking about what's for dinner or the bastard who made you miss the first elevator and you are going to miss your stop. IF YOU MISS YOUR STOP ACT CASUAL. Don't just try to hit the button really fast hoping the doors will open back up. people will tend to think you are crazy.

The fourth and final part is getting off. Most of the time it is simple like the second step. But beware of idiots. People don't seem to realize that they're are other people sometimes trying to get to the floor that they are in fact leaving. not everyone can afford to work 4 hours a day and leave at 1. So what they do is stand right in the middle of the doors on their side and rush in to get on the elevator with no regard of who is getting off. And these people may flash a smile to say "sorry I didn't see you trying to get off the elevator" but what they are really saying is "ME FIRST" and the smile is just so they don't push you into going postal. When this happens there is nothing left but to trip and hit as many buttons as possible and leave flashing the same crap smile.

That was the 4 step process of riding the elevator. The next time you see a person twitching in the elevator because of their nervousness and ambiguity, print this out for them and let them know they are not alone.